


Empirical Solution

by Wyrmie



Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: Gen, Inappropriate Humor, Insults, Philosophy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 15:02:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29084328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wyrmie/pseuds/Wyrmie
Summary: Don't you agree the best way to do philosophy is with a healthy dose of pettiness? Ever heard of the dilemma 'Ship of Theseus'?
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	Empirical Solution

"Everything wears down eventually and everything organic at least is under my influence. Though weather or not those things end up here depends on the object in question. After all not even our endless realm could host every single broken amphora and withered plant nor would I have time to drag them all here even with Hermes and Charon helping me. But the shades do get to keep everything they were buried with when they arrive. Or at least the 'souls' of those belongings considering that they don't disappear once they're cremated or rot away on the surface. The defining characteristic in this situation seems to be whether or not the object in question was cherished by mortals."

Zagreus no longer remembers how this conversation with Thanatos led to the question if inanimate objects could die but it reminds him of what Athena had told him about a certain relic on display in her city. Or more specifically on how it is preserved.

"What about objects with multiple parts that rot at different speeds? Like would someone’s favorite axe end up here handle first and blade later?"

“That might be the case.”

“Even if some other mortal inherited it and eventually replaced the broken handle and then the broken blade?”

“That would not erase the first mortal’s feelings towards the original axe nor the fact that there would be a decayed axe in addition to the axe in the second mortal’s possession.”

“In that case I know exactly what I want to commission next.” Zagreus said with a devious smirk.

“Don’t do anything idiotic.” said Thanatos knowing well it would do nothing to stop Zagreus from doing exactly that.

After greeting Orpheus, Zagreus leaned on over the messy little table next to his, at the moment absent, father’s desk and addressed the tall shade behind it. “Hey my dear House contractor, how much gemstones and or diamonds would it take to reconstruct a certain 30-oar ship using entirely it’s cast of planks and whatnots that have made their way into our realm?” The House Contractor remained silent for a few moments after which they exchanged a few whispers with their little helpers. After reaching a conclusion, they agreed to a hire purchase, allowing Zagreus to ransack the underworld for more of the necessary gems while the operation was in progress.

Several escape attempts later House Contractor had not only succeeded in their herculean task of locating and reassembling the ship but also somehow convinced Charon to steer it to Elysium right next to the main arena. Zagreus was more than impressed with the result. The ship was the textbook example of a ghost ship the shades of sailors had told him stories of: a worn down wreck kept together only by some unknown otherworldly power which, by simple deduction, was also the reason behind it’s green glow. The aesthetic was on point but the main question still remained: Would he recognize it? “Only one way to find out” thought Zagreus as he entered the colosseum.

“Hey Theseus you know a thing or two about seafaring, don’t you? Well it so happens that I’ve had a ship built for myself and I want your honest opinion. It’s right outside on the river next to us if you two want to come check it out before we fight to the death.”

“Why would I want to be anywhere near some accursed boat scraped together by you, hellspawn?!”

“King I never had the chance to see a ship with my own eyes while I was alive. As a Cretan, it does leave a mark on my pride. I would like to see what the short one has to show.”

“Oh Asterius my dear brother, the great injustice you faced while alive breaks my heart! Fine, we shall come and behold your sad excuse of a vessel before we send you back to the depths of hell! Our Audience, please be free to join us!”

Thank you Asterius I knew I could count on you, Zagreus thought to himself as he dash jumped on the ship’s deck right before the champions and audience walked out through the arena’s main entrance. Charon, though difficult to read, seemed pleased at the sight of numerous potential customers.

“So, this here is my new ship. I think it’s lovely. Fits right in with this whole land of the dead motif we got going on in here.”

“Ha! You call that rotting husk a ship! The only thing with more holes than it’s sails is it’s hull and … you blackguard! THAT IS MY SHIP!”

Nailed it.

“No it’s mine. I commissioned it with my own hard earned gems and I personally was the overseer of it’s construction from scratch. I even kept the receipt and have it with me right here.”

“Do not feed me your lies daemon! I’d recognize that prow in my sleep! Those pitch black sails killed my father! Even the carved initials of my quartermaster and his erastes are still visible on the mast!”

“You expect me to believe this wreckage could stay afloat on the surface, yet alone sail you and your crew all the way from Aten to Crete and back. Lord Uncle Poseidon would laugh his beard off on your hybris.”

“It was more than seaworthy back when I lived! But now I can’t even tell how much of it’s miserable state is caused by the cruelty of years or the vile corruption of your thieving hands!”

“Oh Theseus that can’t possibly be right. The Athenians preserved your ship and still use it to this day to carry offerings for lord Apollo. Ask him or lady Athena if you don’t believe me. Are you saying that your own people, guided by two of the wisest Olympians, are using a forgery?”

“First you steal my beloved ship that let me first meet with my fated blood brother and now you slander the honor of my fair people! Merely slaying you in combat will no longer do justice to your crimes hellspawn! You should be flayed alive and then hung by your own entrails!”

“King please restrain yourself. There has to be some sort of a misunderstanding here. Before jumping to conclusions we should verify the short one’s claim by consulting lady Athena to verify the situation. You did choose her blessing to aid you in battle this time and...”

“Asterius, my beloved brother in arms! I can not believe you’re siding with him on this!”

“No, king. I’m trying to stop you from embarrassing yourself in front of our audience.”

“Wait, Theseus are you crying? Sorry man, I think I took this prank too far this time. How about we just go back to the arena to battle til death and after you’ve respawned slash killed me you can come back here and tell Asterius some heroic stories from when you were alive. Charon, you can stay awhile and guard the ship, right mate?”

“Hrrrrnnaaughhhhhhhhh….”

“I take that as a yes. Asterius? Theseus?”

“It is a deal, short one.” Says the bull of Minos as he gently lifts the still screaming hero of Athens on shoulder. Zagreus follows the duo into the Arena, silently and behind a polite distance. He’s glad he didn’t sign up for extreme measures 3 on this run.

**Author's Note:**

> I bet the audience had the time of their afterlife.


End file.
